Friday, January 18, 2013

Adoption Conversation

A conversation about adoption taken from my FB page.  I found it very interesting.  Names and pictures removed to protect the innocent.  ;)


I wish everyone could understand how amazing adoption is. There is a great debate on an infertility support group I'm involved with about how adoption is not right for some people because some parents "need" to have their "own" (i.e. Carry on their DNA) child. You know I can't let that go. My response is below.

  •  ME: With editing because I"m a perfectionist.
  • ME: It is so heartbreaking to read and hear about so many people breaking the bank to have a child. I personally am so thankful that my husband and I chose not to pursue any treatments when we were told IVF would be our way to get pregnant, and moved straight to adoption. We are now very happily the parents of two beautiful and amazing daughters through adoption and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish that more couples would have the discussion of when to stop treatments BEFORE they start trying to conceive. Adoption (international, domestic, foster care) CAN BE for ANYONE if you would just open your mind and your heart. Yes, adoption can be expensive but look at the original question---this couple has maxed out insurance and money on treatments and still don't have a child. What if they would have stopped treatments a year ago? Mid-way through? They could be parents by now. Yes, adoption can be a long and difficult journey but read the stories above about how long some couples have been trying to get pregnant and how many losses and disappointments, they've endured. We became parents in 9 months (isn't that ironic?) with our first child and FIVE months with our second. Yes adoption doesn't allow you to have a child with your DNA but tell me, what makes your DNA so special that you must share it with your child(ren)? My daughters are smart and beautiful (mostly from their birthparents) but they also have my sarcasm, my love of music and my compassion for all animals and special needs children. They have my love of reading and my penchant for chatter. They get their best traits from my husband and I and no DNA was involved.
  • TB Love it! I think about the huge sum of money we spent on IF treatments and how we could have adopted a couple more with it.....

    LJS: YES.


  • KS: I loved your response. That whole argument really upset me. I'm baffled that, in a group full of women who go through similar struggles, there are some who can't be open to the paths that others choose to build their families.


  • LJ: Great response Kristi!!! And so true...


  • RE: I agree with you! And, your babies are beautiful and smart because of you too! And they are going to be amazing contributors to this world!


  • RL: I agree with you completely. I will just add that for the group of women who have suffered losses and still keep trying...the need feels different...it's not just the "my DNA" argument...it's a futile struggle trying to get back what you lost, to fix what went wrong. I definitely lost my rational train of thought. It would have taken more time for me to heal before I would have been ready to adopt (but I think we would have gotten there).

    And interestingly I'm far more like my dad than my mom...and I only share DNA with my mom ; )

  • ME: RA, I hear what you're saying. I'm glad we never started treatments because with my personality, had we started the process, I would have been obsessed with getting pregnant no matter what the cost. As it stands, I was a crazy lunatic when we first started the adoption process!! I completely understand the need to fix what is broken and I'm trying trying trying to spread the word that adoption should be a discussion right along with treatments.
     

  • WB: Kristi, your response made me smile. It made me think about how we can see so many of my husband's and my traits (good and bad :P) in our daughter, who happens to have been adopted. She is absolutely, 100% OURS, DNA or no DNA. The term "our own" versus "adopted" is a pet peeve of mine, because we have three children, some by birth, some by adoption, all of which make our family complete, and all of which are OUR OWN.


  • My Mom: I see how amazing adoption is in my two beautiful granddaughters!!!


  • JW: I AGREE!!!! Now what I think is that IF someone is at a stage in their life where they THINK they need to pass on their DNA, then really adoption is NOT for them right now. I think if a person adopts while wishing they conceived there could very likely be some resentment or misplaced emotions and no doubt an adopted child would pick up on that. I admit I really WANTED to be pregnant and I went through a lot of pain to try to achieve that. But then my heart let go of that desire and shortly after I met the boy who would become my son. I'm thankful I took the path I did, delays and all, because my life turned out the way it was supposed to and it's perfect.


  • JW: I suppose my perspective is similar to how I feel about women who don't want kids... If you don't want them, don't have them. There is no shame in not wanting to be a parent unless you decide you don't want to be a parent after you have made the decision to be one (choosing to conceive or choosing not to give up for adoption).


  • MW I wish every couple having difficulty conceiving could read your response! It is absolutely perfect.
     

  • KM: I agree that adoption is not right for those who want to "pass on their DNA" that badly. They have to have room to grieve the idea that for whatever reason, biological children are probably not in the cards. I saw some of that pain during some of our pre-adoption meetings. We never had any of that but we could sure sympathize if not empathize. And basically, we were 60 days from application submission to being parents...doesn't get much better than that. 


  • CS: We tried fertility treatments for 6 months and after all the emotional roller coaster rides we went for adoption and within 5 MONTHS we had OUR son! And you're right it's what's in your heart...funny story when Nick was a little over one he was diagnosed with asthma and when I was telling my parents about it my dad said "well that makes sense". I asked "why?" he said "because you have asthma and asthma is hereditary!" I looked at him as he was being so serious and said "dad! Nick is adopted!" and he said "oh that's right I keep forgetting that!"

  • ME: My parents do stuff like that all the time! I even did it at Eliana's last doctor's appointment. 


  • KM: I do that too! I was fretting to the doctor about SBJ inheriting something from me. She looked at me and said, 'Are you listening to yourself?' Oh, yeah...he can't inherit anything from me. 
    · 

  • AM: We never did treatments, our issue was staying pregnant (8 pregnancies/8 losses) yes, we kept trying. Not because we had to have a biologically related child, but I did yearn pregnancy experience. When we had first looked into adoption (domestic) we were turned away because Sam and I were both active duty so we thought it was not an option and tried the pregnancy thing again. After a couple more losses I tried another avenue, foster care. Big stretch given our profession at the time but it worked out. We were very lucky on our first placement and were able to adopt from an emergency placement but I think we had a hand from above in that  C and C are little carbon copies of S and I, it does not matter that there is not an ounce of DNA shared. I do agree, that I wish more would look into adoption but it really needs to be on their terms and at the right time. The first time I proposed it to Sam he was not up for the idea, 2 years later he was. Shortly after adoption day we were laying in bed and he told me "thank you for having us become foster parents and making me a dad". I don't think he saw it but I cried, that meant more to me than anything he could ever say or do.

    • ME:   I understand that adoption is not for everyone but I'd love to see it become more mainstream and more of an option for everyone. And this is why I share our experiences as often as I can so that more and more people can see how "normal" it can be.
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