My dream child was going to be a girl with curly brown hair
and bright blue eyes. She was going to
have my sense of humor, my love for books and my husband’s intelligence. My Dream Child was going to be conceived
sometime in July so I could give birth in April right when the flowers started
blooming. She was going to be a joy to
grow, sit high in my uterus and make my pregnant belly look cute. Dream Child was going to be covered in my
long flowing, maternity sundresses.
Infertility took my dreams. I did not imagine that trying to conceive my Dream
Child would cause so much resentment and so much hatred. I soon began to
shudder at every pregnant belly I saw. I
sneered at every pregnancy announcement and was ready to cry all the time. I did not imagine that it would make me envy
every single friend who was pregnant and avoid all of their baby showers. I did not for one second imagine that I would
never conceive my Dream Child.
Nowhere in my dreams, did I see myself conceiving with
needles and medications in a sterile room.
After learning that we would not be able to get pregnant without IVF, my
husband I decided that we wanted to become parents more than we wanted to be
pregnant. Over a few days, I took a few
last looks at my Dream Child and tearfully said my “Good-byes”.
My husband and I had talked about adoption long before we
wanted to be parents. He always knew
that I wanted to adopt after having my Dream Child(ren). It wasn’t hard for us to transition from dreaming
about our biological children to dreaming about our children through adoption.
We chose Russia for our first adoption for many reasons; the
simplest being that I had a student in my class who had just been adopted from
Russia and she was one of my favorites! We
quickly found a social worker to complete our homestudy and signed with an
agency. We were rock stars at our agency
because we had requested 2 older children.
Not many parents want older children and not many wanted two at one time! We immediately had a referral of a brother
and sister. My first “ultrasound” was a
video of two tiny and quiet but oh so beautiful children. They needed a family and we needed to be
parents. We couldn’t wait to meet
them.
And then our dreams were crushed. Again.
We got caught up in the constant changes of Russian adoption
and waited month after month after month after month until one day, 6 months
after we got our referral, we learned that “our” children had been moved to a
boarding school and were no longer available for adoption. During
that same we week, our agency had a situation for us. Were we interested in adopting a 3-year-old
Russian girl through a disrupted adoption?
(She had been adopted by another US couple who was unable to parent
her.) In one week, two children we imagined to be ours were unexpectedly ripped
out of our lives and one child was introduced into our lives. We were on an emotional roller coaster.
I still vividly remember the day I met my daughter. I couldn’t see her but I heard her coming
into the office as we anxiously waited to meet her. The second I heard my sweet little girl’s
voice I loved her. All of a sudden, this
tiny blonde child walked into my world and offered me a cracker! As I took the soggy snack from her hands, I
became a mom! It was amazing. It was surreal and it was instant. SHE was my Dream Child. She didn’t have any dark curls and she didn’t
have bright blue eyes but there stood my daughter. She was not quite as I had dreamed but
perfect in every way.
In just a matter of minutes, we were smitten with her. She bonded with us quickly and it soon felt
as though she had always been in our lives.
I often think of the children we lost in Russia and thank them for
guiding us to Sasha. Of course we had
our moments. Becoming a first-time
parent to a toddler who had been in two different orphanages and two homes
before ours was challenging at times but we were prepared and knew how to work
with her.
Sasha had only been with us for a few months and it already
felt like she had been with us forever.
It wasn’t long before I knew that my family wasn’t complete. Sasha needed a sibling and I wanted a
baby. Sasha has a beautiful laugh and I
wondered what her first smile was like.
She runs everywhere and I wondered when she took her first steps. She loves to tell jokes and I wondered what her
first word was?
And so I started dreaming again of another child. I knew better this time than to dream of anything
specific. I was still jaded by
infertility. After what we went through
with Russia, I did not trust international adoption. We decided to try domestic adoption. Why not?
After all we had gone through with Russia, we knew that we could handle
anything domestic adoption brought our way.
I’m lucky to say that this was finally easy for us. We breezed through the paperwork. It was NOTHING compared to what we were
required to do for Russia. I spent weeks
reflecting over our profile and that was the hardest part of our 2nd
adoption.
Our profile went active at the end of August, we were chosen
by an amazing birthmother in October and our baby girl was born in
January. I cried hareder than I ever had
when Eliana’s birthmother gave her one last kiss and handed her baby to
me. I couldn’t believe that someone was
giving me this amazing gift. Whatever
did I do to deserve this child? How did
I become a mother to two beautiful daughters in less than 2 years?
Two years was all it took for me to realize my dream. My girls do not look like I imagined. They are even more beautiful. It turns out that they both have my sense of
humor. Sasha loves books and Eliana has
my husband’s intelligence. Sasha looks
just like my husband and Eliana looks like me.
And, I discovered that I love long-flowing sundresses and can wear them
without being pregnant!
Adoption isn’t for the faint of heart but neither is
infertility! Despite all the ups and
downs, I wouldn’t take back one tear, one pregnancy test, or one bitter,
hateful moment. I wouldn’t take back one
phone call that ended in tears, not one piece of all the paperwork, not one single
moment of that time! I wouldn’t take
back a thing because I would never have my 2 girls. Sometimes your dreams take you where you never
imagined you would go. My dreams weren’t
delivered from my body. My dreams were
delivered directly into my heart.
